Online Dating As A Black Woman, The Struggle Is Real

Are you out there looking for love?

Trust me, you’re not the only one.

Dating in the 21st century is hard, much harder than it was in the past.

While people were often getting set up by my friends or making genuine connections at grocery stores or somewhere else, those are few and far between.

Now, we’re all looking for love on dating apps.

And while there are a few great apps for Black professionals that you should check out, online dating for Black women can be a struggle.

It’s important to know that there are struggles, but at the end of the day, as cliche as it sounds, love is still out there.

When Men Aren’t Interested In Black Women

When you think about dating, the world can be your oyster.

There are tons of different people to choose from.

You might be interested in Black, White, Hispanic, or Asian men.

Frankly, that’s up to you.

But then, we have to ask the question, who is interested in us?

And sometimes when you think about that, our options seem a lot more bleak.

In 2014, the dating app OKCupid released data that showed that most men on their dating app ranked Black women as less attractive than women of other races and ethnicities.

I’m not going to lie.

Hearing that both saddens and bothers me.

Nonetheless, we push on.

Black women often have a hard time on the app because there are men who just aren’t interested in Black women or don’t find Black women attractive.

Now, I reject this notion for one main reason.

Everyone has their own ideas of what they find attractive, but it seems impossible to be that some men think an entire race of women is unattractive.

This is based on what, exactly?

I’m sure you’ll find that this doesn’t only apply to Black women, because when it comes to online dating, Asian men often experience similar difficulties.

Truth be told, no matter what you look like, everyone isn’t going to like you, but it seems discouraging when it looks like the odds are stacked up against you.

It’s important to remember one thing.

Same race marriages are still the majority.

That’s why no one blinks when a White man is married to a White woman or when an Asian man is married to an Asian woman.

This is also why I don’t blink an eye when a man of another race mentions that he’s never dated a woman outside his race.

Dating within your race is still the most common, which leads me to one of our next struggles.

Black women dating Black men is the commonality, so why are there Black men who simply don’t like Black women?

When Black Men Don’t Like Black Women

This is a very charged topic within the Black community, and it would be impossible to discuss dating within the Black community without mentioning it.

Let me start off by saying that I personally believe there is nothing wrong with interracial dating, at all.

It doesn’t matter to me if I see a Black woman with a Black, White, Asian, or Hispanic man.

Everyone doesn’t feel this way though.

Now, when discussing Black dating, you’ll find people on opposite sides of the spectrum.

There are members of the Black community to believe interracial dating is a senseless ploy to destroy the Black family.

And then there are others who only prefer interracial dating.

This is where issues start coming up and Black women begin seeing how dating can be a struggle for them.

There’s this word that comes up a lot in dating, and it’s the word “preference.”

And to be honest, a lot of people hide behind this word.

Let me be frank, people are allowed to have their preferences.

I have my own, and I’m sure you do too.

But this is one major point of contention that Black women often have with Black men.

Black men are allowed to have their preferences, and no, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

The problem isn’t that some Black men prefer White, Hispanic, or Asian women.

The problem is that some Black men don’t like Black women, period.

And when you come across the men that don’t, you’ll often find that their reasons are asinine.

They’ll use stereotypical personality traits to condemn all Black women.

They’ll prove that they’re colorists by mentioning that they just don’t like dark skin or women who are darker than them.

And trust me, I know this can be discouraging and frustrating, but it’s also important to remember that all Black men don’t think that way.

There are tons of Black men out there who are still looking for their Black queen.

And if you’re looking for a Black man too, you can still find one.

Black Women Are Seen As Angry, Aggressive, & Controlling

Let’s be honest.

There are stereotypes about every kind of person on this earth.

And some can be more detrimental than others.

Think of a stereotype about Black women.

I’m sure you could think of multiple.

While stereotypes can often be seen jokingly, there comes a time where others start believing it and acting as if it’s true.

When it comes to online dating, you’ll often see that men use the negative (and wrong) stereotypes of Black women as a whole and apply it to a single person.

There are men who think Black women are angry.

Men think Black women are aggressive and controlling.

Now, I’m not going to lie.

There are Black women who are angry, aggressive, and controlling.

However, there are also White, Hispanic, and Asian women who share the same personality traits.

Even so, these traits are only ever associated with Black women.

Some men will say that they’re not interested in Black women because they’re angry.

They’re clearly fools to think that all Black women are angry.

And if they do think that way, we don’t want them.

But jumping back to our previous struggle, the worst part to me is when you have Black men who will feed into these negative stereotypes of Black women.

Because then we reach the often brought up question of “who raised you?”

Some Black men are so quick to worship their mothers and then demonize other Black women.

This clearly makes you wonder how they are able to dissociate their mothers as being a Black woman.

Regardless, it’s important not to let this affect you.

If a man wants to be with you because he thinks you’re never going to get angry, take that as a warning sign.

Everyone gets angry.

It doesn’t matter if you’re Black, White, or Asian.

It’s just important to remember that no matter what, there are men out there who are wise enough not to believe the many untruths about Black women.

Many See Us As Black First

As a Black woman, there’s no disappearing into the crowd for us.

Why?

Because while some might see us as women first, others will see us a Black first.

And while you might be thinking there’s nothing wrong with that, there isn’t – entirely.

When I see someone of a different race, it’s instinct to attribute some cultural ideas to them.

As someone who is very interested in Korean culture, meeting someone who is Korean, I would instinctively think that they value education and respecting elders or professionals.

Seeing someone who is Hispanic, I might assume that they’re very big into family.

And while I might have these thoughts, I’m not locked into believing that that is the only part of this person’s character or life.

I don’t think the same is true when many people see Black women.

Online dating opens the door to some people you’ve probably heard about.

There are men who fetishize Black women because they think we fall into the stereotype of Sapphire or Jezebel, and they want to “tame us.”

You’re also going to find men who cannot get beyond the fact that you are Black.

This is especially true when dating outside your race.

They’ll believe that you have to like hip hop and R&B music.

You might be a vegan, but they’ll instantly think you love fried chicken.

And while you might easily tell them that their initial thoughts are wrong, some might literally try to mansplain that it has to be true.

We are women, yes.

We are Black, yes.

But before we’re even allowed to set up the narrative of who we are, most people create their own.

Even so, we still have the power to change how we are seen.

And if you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t want to open their eyes, kick them to the curb.

Our Standards Are High (And They Should Be)

You’re going to come across people that tell you the reason you can’t find someone is because your standards are too high.

I say, so what?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having high standards.

The only thing to be mindful of is that your standards are realistic.

Sometimes I think about what I want to find in a partner and wonder if I’m thinking of an actual person or a man that I would order on a menu.

As a woman who is 5”9’, I could say I’d like a man who is 6”3’ or taller, but am I really going to reject someone because they’re 6”0’?

While you might want a man who is wealthy and financially stable, are you going to reject a great guy who makes just under six figures?

While your standards should definitely be high, because you’re worth it, we also have to remember that they need to be realistic.

Height might be something you can compromise on.

You can definitely compromise on a few things, but please keep your standards high because you’re worth it.

Looking for a man who is educated isn’t too high.

Finding a man who can afford to travel isn’t too high.

People always want to tell Black women that they can’t find a partner because their standards are too high.

First, check yourself and make sure they’re both high and realistic.

And then check them, and tell them to mind their business.

Don’t Wait To Be Chosen

When it comes to dating, many of us are waiting to be picked.

Why?

Well, I’m sure some of us are afraid of rejection.

Others have the outdated notion that men have to make the first move.

Well dating apps like Bumble will tell you that women can make the first move.

Women as a whole have put a lot of pressure on men.

They’re always expected to be the one approaching the women.

And frankly, that’s not fair of us.

If we can admit that there are women who like to approach men and others who like to be approached, then we have to apply those same rules to men as well.

Yes, there are men who are shy, and yes, there are men who are afraid of being rejected.

If you’re serious about making a love connection with someone out there, it’s important that you put yourself out there!

While approaching someone or messaging them first can be nerve-wracking, that might be the step to finding the love of your life.

In the end, don’t wait to be chosen.

Feel free to do the choosing yourself!

Online Dating As a Black Woman Conclusion

There is one thing you should take from this.

Yes, Black women face struggles when it comes to online dating, but that’s not going to stop you from finding love.

I know plenty of people that online dating has worked for, and it can work for you.

All you have to remember is to be open and stay optimistic. 

And whether you’re making a connection with a Black man or a man of another race, give him the 411 on Black women with these 8 little known truths.